Why I'm cool with never becoming Pope

I'm sitting at my desk at work (17 floors up looking out onto Broadway). There is an autumn wind combined with the rumble of far-off construction that keeps intermittently humming through the window. It kind of sounds like applause. So every few minutes or so, I've been getting up and walking to the window to acknowledge my invisible supporters a la Evita or the Pope.

I bet if I were the Pope, this would be the part of the job that I would find myself complaining about most. "How's work?" "It'd be great if these jerks outside the window would give it a rest once in a while!"

Actually, I'm sure there are many parts of being pope that I wouldn't care for. First off, I feel like the job would involve a lot of church and, at church, I'd probably be the focus of everyone's attention. That means good luck spacing out and staring at the ceiling without every person there noticing.



The media might be inclined to ask: "What was on the ceiling that was so important to you during the readings?"
My answer: "Oh, I was just seeing if there were any painted angels up there WITHOUT really ripped abs. I didn't see any FWIW."

(on a slightly different topic, I'd be very surprised if a Pope ever gives a quote that includes internet short-hand)

But the worst part for me would be that after finally achieving my life-long goal of becoming Pope, I'd have to choose a new "Pope name". I'd be the Leader of the Entire Church but I wouldn't get to do it as Patrick Camden. I'd have to finish out my final (most-famous) years with some campy biblical nickname. (No matter how much the current Pope achieves in life, half the people who hear the name 'Joseph Ratzinger' are going to immediately confuse him with Cliff Clavin.)

Let's take this a step further: Imagine, for instance, that your dream (like many Americans) was to become President of the United States. Perhaps you started out interested in politics and making a difference, so you made a run at a local city council or school committee seat. You won and it turned out you were really good at your job. So you thought, "maybe I'll run for Mayor". Guess what? You won again and became a huge success. Soon you found yourself ascending to the office of Governor. And that went so well that you won your party's nomination for President. And after a grueling campaign and tightly-contested election, you managed to capture the Presidency!

Then, Inauguration Day came and, as you took the oath of office, you announced to the world that you had decided on your special new "President name", the name you would go down in history under: Martin Van Buren IV.

The Onion Print Edition Going Away

It appears that the Onion is discontinuing their print editions.

BOOOOO!!!

This doesn't really affect me at all because I've always just read the online version anyway, but since it is kinda the end of an era, a brief tribute is in order. So, to honor their incredible run, here is my all-time favorite Onion column.

Just deleted my Twitter account

I gave it a try but, in the end, I really couldn't figure out how Twittering was any different than updating my Facebook status update - except that they give you fewer characters to do it and that, in the world of Twitter, people are under the impression that Ashton Kutcher is a big deal.

Plus, SPAM companies set up to look like random slutty girls were starting to show up to "follow" me. If you can't filter those bitchez out (like Facebook does so well) then I want no part of you.

So, anyway, I now have one less time-water in my life.

If anyone is interested... here are the Tweets I published during my 15 minutes of Fame:

1. Alright! SPAM companies masquerading as slutty girls have made it to Twitter!!! (kudos to Facebook for keeping them at bay all this time)7:58 AM May 1st from web

2. The media seemed absolutely CRUSHED that swine flu isn't killing more people yet.7:47 AM May 1st from web

3. can't wait to see how those Air Force One/Statue of Liberty pics came out!!9:32 AM Apr 29th from web

4. Had the hiccups 7 times today... and we've got an hour to go7:56 PM Apr 27th from web

5. I find it odd that in 20 years of people happening upon dead bodies in 'Law and order', no one yet has uttered an obsenity.11:33 AM Apr 27th from web

6. Awesome weekend at Mottley's! Thanks to everyone who came!! You guys are rock stars!6:21 AM Apr 26th from web

7. Yahoo! News says "thumbs up" to the new KFC grilled chicken. FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS!!!8:40 AM Apr 25th from web

8. How big is Disney World and not ONE souvenir shop there had any 'Watcher in the Woods' merchandise!9:14 PM Apr 23rd from web

9. Say what you want about Sadam Hussein. The guy really knew how to build a palace.9:52 AM Apr 23rd from web

10. Even a blind squirrel is right twice a day.6:29 AM Apr 23rd from web

11. So how many years are we from seeing the first 60 year old Real World/Road Rules Challenge competitor?8:30 PM Apr 22nd from web

12. Blue Moon has a sub-division called "Honey Moon" HAHA! Do you think they even know? ... is this thing on??5:56 PM Apr 22nd from web

13. Why is Newt Gingrich suddenly on my TV screen everyday? Is he thinking of running for President in 1996?4:33 PM Apr 22nd from web

14. That Bob's Furniture guy really has a high opinion of his furniture12:17 PM Apr 22nd from web

15. Since nothing else has worked, I'm going to start trying to catch the mice in my apt using the Hasbro board game Mouse Trap7:55 AM Apr 22nd from web

16. I still can't believe that Columbine was AGAIN the top news story 10 years TO THE DAY after the shootings. What are the odds on that?1:00 PM Apr 21st from web

17. I want to combine The Biggest Loser and Top Chef and call it "The Biggest Chef"9:17 AM Apr 21st from web

18. In Florida... what the hell does "five inch hail" mean?6:52 AM Apr 14th from web

19. Damp, dreary, downpour-y... I hate it when Monday weather is so cliched.7:46 AM Apr 6th from web

20. Anybody can "represent". But it takes a special kind of person to "repasent".9:04 PM Apr 3rd from web

21. come on 5 o'clock... come on 5 o'clock... come on 5 o'clock... come on 5 o'clock... come on 5 o'clock...12:41 PM Apr 3rd from web

22. I start each day by trying to "shoosh" the alarm off. Then it slowly dawns on me that at least SOME energy must be exerted to silence it.6:24 AM Apr 3rd from web

23. I think my contact is on inside-out. boo.11:09 AM Apr 2nd from web

24. Is it past the point where I can blame being late on Daylight Savings?5:10 AM Apr 2nd from web

25. pat: "she looks like the Eskimo in northern exposure" amy: "oh, see I never watched that show." pat: "well, shit, any Eskimo then!"6:05 PM Apr 1st from web

26. "April Fools Day traces its origin to pagan rituals." "God bless those pagans."4:36 AM Apr 1st from web

27. Ryaan Seacrreats (wop) looks like a mint condition action figure of an insurance salesman.5:43 PM Mar 31st from web

28. From now on, my Tweets about famous people will spell their names wrong on purpose with a WOP (wrong on purpose) after them.5:40 PM Mar 31st from web

29. Just got a Coke can out of the vending machine and it has a Santa Claus on it. I made sure it didn't say "X-Mas '04" before opening.11:02 AM Mar 27th from web

30. Glad today is warm enough to go without a jacket since mine just got bird-shitted on6:16 AM Mar 27th from web

31. One day I'll call up tech support and hear something besides "your warranty doesn't cover that"... SOME day...4:38 AM Mar 27th from web

32. OK what jokester changed my calendar so it only says 'Thursday' and not 'Friday'? I refuse to believe it's only Thursday.8:21 AM Mar 26th from web

33. on line cribbage is the perfect combination of 'hi-tech-ness' and 'old biddy-dom'2:00 PM Mar 25th from web

34. just overheard from one of the executive corner offices: "There's NO WAY I'm going on a cruise with MY MOM!!"8:12 AM Mar 25th from web

35. The only constant in my life for the past 8 years has been me trying to time out promos with a crappy malfunctioning stopwatch.6:38 AM Mar 25th from web

36. I want to make a postcard for the US Treasury showing a block of money being used to prop up a TV set. caption: 'your tax dollars at work'10:59 AM Mar 23rd from web

37. Watching Celebrity Apprentice. Joan Rviers looks like the girl in the band in the Muppets.6:36 PM Mar 22nd from web

38. question: "Is Roosevelt Island in Manhattan or Queens?" answer: "Roosevelt Island is in the river."8:12 AM Mar 22nd from web

39. WOW! That egg is totally balancing on the counter! wait... it's down.7:09 AM Mar 20th from web

40. what is the record for most consecutive games of solitaire without winning? I may be about to find out... or not.3:25 PM Mar 19th from web

41. glad Facebook is no longer randomly inserting a blank response from me under every single status update on my page. That is too much me.7:24 AM Mar 19th from web

42. Just discovered Nostradamus wrote two quatrains about Bernie Madoff!! WOW!!!!7:34 AM Mar 18th from web

43. Just deleted my Friendster account. If you need to reach me on Friendster, you are most likely SPAM (and thus I'm glad to be rid of you)9:36 AM Mar 17th from web

44. I have a green Irish sweater that always seems to come out around March 17th then disappear again... MY GOD does it need to be dry cleaned!8:17 AM Mar 17th from web

45. celebrating my Irish heritage with a bowl of Quaker oatmeal6:37 AM Mar 17th from web

46. Waiting for the Late Show taping to begin... and wondering how many times is 'too many' to re-fill a water bottle (20? 40? 600?)12:07 PM Mar 16th from web

47. I am always fascinated by the gravity-defying oil and vinegar bottle at Subway. That thing should be in a science museum somewhere.10:05 AM Mar 16th from web

48. Ironically, I don't think anything ages quite as fast as a bag of baby carrots.7:09 AM Mar 16th from web

49. mmm, Sunday brunch with two drinks included! Up next: Sunday afternoon nap!9:55 AM Mar 15th from web

50. Why are hardware stores so tough for me to find? I just walked by two stores that sold tombstones before I found one that sold hardware.11:15 AM Mar 14th from web

51. Have you ever seen a guy on TV boxing against a bear? Big deal. What's really impressive is whoever got the boxing gloves onto the bear.9:33 AM Mar 14th from web

52. If you need to plan the world's worst bachelor party, I'd recommend starting it off with a trip to the U.S. Mint8:08 PM Mar 13th from web

53. My apartment has grown to become a well-oiled mouse catching machine.10:46 AM Mar 13th from web

54. Is it me or is the Twitter logo a big ripoff of the Woodstock logo?7:08 AM Mar 13th from web

55. Last night I finally bit the bullet and put Domino's in my T-Mobile "Fave Five"8:59 AM Mar 12th from web

56. It's hot as balls in here. Yes, this room possesses the sweltering heat that ordinarilly can only be found ... in balls.7:21 AM Mar 12th from web

57. Whew! It took several hours but I've finished surgery on my Metro Card. It's status has been upgraded to "swipeable".6:23 AM Mar 11th from web

58. Two beers in the same 6 pack. One is skunky, the other is fine... HOW?!!!7:03 PM Mar 10th from web

59. Just FYI: the Queensboro (59th St) Bridge has a topless club at the beginning of it and at the end of it.3:54 PM Mar 10th from web

60. Today's Metro has the best headline since the Onion's "Merle Haggard Haggard". It reads "Busta Rhymes still busting rhymes (page 12)".1:55 PM Mar 10th from web

61. My new favorite constructive criticism is: "it's too on the money"... replacing the old one: "it's needs to be more impactful"12:50 PM Mar 9th from web

62. The clock atop 1740 B'way still has the "pre-Daylight Savings" time on it. I wold guess this could be bad for many a pedestrian.10:22 AM Mar 9th from web

63. I can't tell you what my Twitter password is, but they described it as "weak"8:17 AM Mar 6th from web

64. I never "just make it". I either "just miss it" or I "make it with way too much time to spare."7:18 PM Mar 5th from web

65. Is "ho" short for "whore"? Did somebody out there think the word "whore" was too long and cumbersome to pronounce?5:43 PM Mar 4th from web

Boston Comedy Update

Hi Folks!

I got back on stage this past week for the first time since the Fall. Definitely enjoyed myself and thought the crowd was fantastic. I'm going to be back in Boston (my true home sweet home) in April for back-to-back nights at Mottley's Comedy Club as part of the Wicked Funny Humans Show!



All of the info about the show is contained in the poster... including what Leah Dubie and Amy Beckerman (AKA the 'Dykes on Mics' TM) would look like as cartoons! It is hosted by Alicia Love from Mix98.5 who I had the pleasure of meeting at the show this past week. She is hilarious, as are Amy and Leah.

But for those of you coming to see me, let me tell you, I'll be doing about triple the time that I've ever done in a Boston show and (hopefully) drastically different sets each night. I'm very excited about it. If you are interested in tickets, you can purchase them HERE.

I'm sure there will be plenty of chicanery following the shows both nights. So get the word out. And be sure to get tickets earlier than later because it will sell out!

PS, Leah was interviewed a couple of days ago in The Apiary. It is a NYC comedy-based website. And I get a couple of mentions!

You're Welcome Tree

I've started getting my bank statements on line.

I'm going to pretend like this is the tree I saved.



It'll also allow me to give my paper shreader a rest.



I'm helping out inanimate objects left and right today. (Wait... is a tree technically "inanimate"? Maybe I should have said "non-speaking"?)

Quaaking with Twitter Fear...

I joined Twitter a few weeks ago. I did this because I'll join anything that lets me put up a picture of myself and use my patented password: "HooFahted?"

But there is something about Twitter that I just don't trust.

Last week, I posted a Twat(?) on St. Patrick's Day that said something to the effect of "Patrick is celebrating his Irish Heritage with a bowl of Quaaker* Oatmeal". Harmless enough. Well, not 30 seconds had passed before I found out that I was now being "followed" by something called "Quaaker* Talk". I clicked on their Twitter page and there was a message for me.

It said: "@patcamden Happy St. Patrick's Day to you! Enjoy the oatmeal :)"

It's disturbing enough to know that uQakers* are all of a sudden using computers and so forth. But, worst of all, I don't like the idea that my Twits (?) set off alarms and other triggers alerting people that I am talking about them.

As a result, from this moment forward, any time I twiit about anyone famous (or any brand names), I'm intentionally misspelling their name. This probably won't do any good against other future Qkauer*s out there but at least i'll sleep easier.

I talk a lot of smack and I don't want that right infringed upon.

[* all Qukaer misspellings intentional]

Happy St. Patrick's Day